"No Problem"

Dear Language Lady,
Would you please consider writing a blog on the phrase "no problem?" As in my asking, "May I please have a receipt?" to which the cashier responds, "No problem!" Doesn't "no problem" presume that providing a receipt (or whatever else you may have requested, say a clean fork) might be problematic? Of course, everything is potentially problematic. But the "no problem" response often is evoked irregardless (From LL: Please see my “Leaf-Blower Awards”) of the probability of an actual problem.
-- Pissed Off in Ohio

Dear Pissed Off,

“No problem” seems to have become such an automatic reply in current English that it can mean anything from, “sure thing” (it’s approximate original meaning) to “you’re welcome,” to the ubiquitous and equally full of nuance, “whatever.” It’s so common that Internet users simply write NP instead of the whole phrase.

When your cashier tells you cheerily that giving you a receipt is “no problem,” you may translate that as meaning, “certainly,” or “of course” and not consider your request in any way problematic; however, if the cashier mutters the phrase while slapping a grease-stained receipt in your palm, you have every right to feel the way you do.

“No problem” meaning, “You’re welcome,” has long been a proper Australian response to “thank you,” because Aussies don’t even use the phrase, “You’re welcome,” which perhaps has too formal a ring about it, one that that defiantly informal culture has resisted. An Aussie’s usual response to “thanks” includes: “no worries” or “it’s nothing, mate.” Now perhaps our own Casual Friday (and often Casual Mon – Thurs, and weekends) Culture is also catching on to that meaning of the phrase. So, no worries, mate: it’s just language stretching its legs. However, that does not mean there’s not a problem with “no problem” (or multiple negatives!) Let’s go back to the coffee shop for a minute:

Let’s say you receive a dirty fork and then ask the waitress for a clean one, to which she replies, “No problem.” Well, in that case, “no problem” is the absolute wrong way to respond, because providing you with a clean fork to begin with was, actually, a “problem” (a difficulty not able to be overcome); her response should be more like: “I’m sorry! I’ll get you a clean one right away.”

It’s that type of instance -- when “no problem” allows its sayer to passively avoid admitting to making a mistake -- that inspired a whole sermon at Duke University Chapel a few years ago. In it, Rev. Dr. William Willimon, formerly of Duke and now Bishop of Northern Alabama, called “no problem” a phrase “spreading like kudzu throughout our speech …

“When I say to you, ‘Excuse me, but there is no banana in my banana split,’ it is not for you to say, ‘OK. No problem.’”

Exactly! What about, “Woops! You can’t have a banana split without a banana -- how could I have been so stupid?!” But instead, the waiter detaches himself from the mistake by uttering, “No problem.” Grrr. (And I’d check your spoon to see if it’s clean. That too could be “no problem.”)

The reverend went on to cite another instance: this time, at a garage where the mechanic had guaranteed his car would be ready by a set time:
“’Not ready?’” I repeated incredulously. “’Well, I’ll make do for another couple of days.’”
“No problem,” says the mechanic.
“And I think, ‘No problem?’ No problem for whom? For me, that you have no problem with keeping my car for another two days is, well, a problem.”

Again, a simple apology was called for but an unsatisfying “no problem” was served up instead. My question is, did the mechanic even know that he should have apologized? Did he think that “no problem” covered his mistakes, or did he think it was mighty generous of him to keep the reverend’s car parked for free in his garage another two days while he worked on it?

We live in a No-Problem culture – as anyone might surmise by noting the 27,400,000 sites listed under “no problem” on Google: “Bad Credit? No Problem!” “No Plot? No Problem!” “Terrorist Attack on the Internet? No Problem!” There are 20,000,000 more sites listed under the more festive-sounding, Spanish “No Problema” (yes, “problem” is feminine): “Lo-Carb Mexican Food -- No Problema!” “Language Barrier -- No Problema!” No one likes problems, least of all Americans, who will do just about anything to avoid them, or avoid admitting that there is one – unless they can go on Oprah or Sally Jessie Raphael or Jerry Springer to talk about it.

Not that I’m suggesting that the next time you ask your cashier for a receipt or a clean fork and she utters the NP phrase, you immediately call up one of the afternoon shows to request a chance to vent and throw some language around. It might be useful, though.

What “no problem” needs is an anti-publicity campaign to take it down a few notches and put some real meaning back into those words. So now that we’re aware of the problem, resisting the urge to say it should be no problem.