In these times of heightened security, transportation hubs have had to come up with recordings to remind us of the ever-present danger in either watching another traveler’s bag, or having another traveler watch our bag while we go get in line for a latte or chase after a child. Such warnings are, I suppose, understandable, even if the danger feels remote at the time. The problem is that the language chosen to convey these loud, perfectly articulated, and oft-repeated admonitions reaches for such official sounding intonations that they end up mangled, and worse – ungrammatical!
For instance, I’ve just come back from a quick trip to Minnesota. Not surprisingly, my plane was delayed and, while in the waiting lounge of Hubert H. Humphrey Airport with about 200 fellow passengers, I was treated every few minutes to an overhead recording urging everyone to “patrol” their baggage: “All passengers should patrol their baggage at all times.” Can you imagine a waiting lounge with passengers “patrolling” their unmoving carry-on items, taking perhaps four or five steps forward past one’s briefcase or diaper bag, then four or five steps back? Talk about chaos!
My question is, if no one is laughing, or even making quizzical looks at each other on hearing such nonsense, is anyone really listening?
In Grand Central Station in New York, a similar recording is played equally often, and I always cringe at the word “attended:” “Atttention passengers: All luggage and packages must be attended at all times.” Personally, I thought people attended church or the opera. Dictionary.com agrees and adds that a nurse may attend (administer care to) a patient, and a fever may attend (or accompany) a cold. In each of those cases, “attend” is a transitive verb, which means it must take a grammatical object (church/opera; patient; cold are such objects in the sentences above). So that even if one can, say, “attend one’s health” (though I have never heard the word used that way -- somehow, “Put down that Big Mac and attend your health!” just doesn’t sound right) grammatically, it’s correct, with “health” being the object of “attend.”
Not so with “luggage and packages must be attended at all times.” In this case, luggage and packages are the joint subjects with no available object. That is why my ear is always straining to hear the little word particle, TO, following “attend.” It would be so nice to hear, “All luggage and packages must be ‘attended TO’ (to take care, give attention) at all times.” But, alas. It’s like listening for the final note in Beethoven’s 5th – Da-Da-Da (“Excuse me, sir, we need another “Da!”) and not getting it.
On my New York/Minneapolis flights (both to and from), more loud recordings, these recited in a deep, male voice following the slightest turbulence and upon descent, always jolted me from my half-sleep: “In compliance with federal regulations, please return to your seats.” The problem here is that “in compliance with federal regulations” is a phrase with nothing to link to – a lonely, dangling prepositional phrase; the subject of this particular awkward sentence is an unspoken, but understood, “you,” (“you” being the one asked to sit down). But where does “in compliance with” go? Does it describe the subject, “you” or the verb, “return”? Neither, really.
What the deep-voiced intoner means, I think, is, “TO COMPLY WITH federal regulations, please return to your seats.” But is anyone really listening? Or, (now I’m thinking of that Chicago song: “Does anyone know what time it is? Does anyone really care?”) Or are we just tolerating this mumbo-jumbo because we are passive passengers just happy to be aloft?
Still, these three announcements are perfect illustrations of why it’s important to say important things in plain, old English. If you want your message understood by people, then keep messages simple and avoid Latin-based words of more than two syllables. Why not have people write official-sounding warnings in plain English, with words and phrases that actually mean something, and with few or no Latin-based words allowed: “Passengers, please WATCH your bags; or – for variety’s sake – “Please HOLD ONTO your bags.” For in-flight requests, a nice, deep voice might advise, “Please get back to your seats – for your own safety.”
As my plane back to JFK stood at the gate before departure, I eased my seat back just a smidgen, for extra comfort. Within seconds, a sharp-eyed flight attendant had spotted my infraction and asked me to place it back in its full, upright position. Later, as I pondered the prerecorded announcement about compliance, I wondered if I, as Language Lady, were simply the verbal equivalent of that annoying flight attendant, ever aware of the slightest flaw. (Please – don’t feel you must comment! It was just a passing thought.)
In any case, in New York, we are exhorted on subway signs and commuter rail posters to speak up when we see something strange, with the public service campaign, “If you see something, say something;” and, in Spanish, “Si ves algo, di algo.” Perhaps we could do with a parallel public service campaign for catching strange uses of the English language while trying to warn people about strange somethings; this campaign could be called, “If you hear something, say something.”
In other words, we must band together and speak out against dangling prepositional phrases, the lack of objects with transitive verbs, and jarringly wrong words trying to sound more fearsome than the more natural choice. Watching our language , while making sure that it is concise – and above all, clear – could ultimately contribute more to our national safety than, say, 200 glassy-eyed passengers not patrolling their packages in compliance with federal regulations ever could. Do you hear me?
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